10 Sweetest Things - 15 Months

I have always enjoyed the stage of life when kids start talking. It's fascinating to me to see what's on their little minds. Now, with my own child, it feels downright miraculous to hear him say, "no," or "monkey" or "diaper" in appropriate context. He might just be a genius. Here are a few other amazing things:

1. He toddles across the room, puts his head in my lap and says, "Hi Mama."

2. He says, "Bye bye," while opening and closing his entire hand.

3. He gives kisses, in slow motion, approaching the cheek, planting his lips, then smacking them together.

4. He hurtles down slides with a look of pure joy.

5. He reads books to himself, turning the pages and cracking up.

6. After I put him down for a nap, and close the door, I'll hear him say, "Night night."

7. He refuses to say, "Hi, Grandmom," but he perfectly enunciates, "Hi, Peg."

8. He clicks his tongue in time to the turn signal.

9. When he's upset, he'll calm down if I mention one of his favorite people, like Pop-pop, or Charlotte, or Tessa.

And my very favorite thing he does right now:

10. He shouts "A-men!" whenever we sit down to eat. Last week at church, after the sermon, when all was quiet, you could hear his Amen reverberate through the crowd. Yes, he already has a sense of timing. Like I said, genius.

Give a Little Leeway

This week, when my normal impatience arose, I breathed deeply and reminded myself that most of the world is going through back to school transition, and therefore may need some extra leeway. I’m happy to report it made for a pretty peaceful week.

Change is hard for me, even good change. In June, when Carl’s school year ends, and he’s around more, I love it, but the transition is still hard. Now, after a lovely summer, Carl is back to work, Daniel is back to the babysitter, and I’m back to managing more of the household. Going into the week I worried. How would Daniel adjust, after hanging out with Daddy all summer? How would Carl adjust to work life again? What about our poor puggy, home alone so much more?

To maximize peace in our home, and within myself, I decided to try giving everyone extra leeway for the week. Rather than reprimand myself for failing to write enough, I praised myself for writing at all. Rather than battle with Daniel about his nap, I surrendered, played with him, took him to Target. Rather than chastise Carl for coming home late, I invited a friend over for a play date. In all cases, life was much more enjoyable. I even forgave the asshole who cut me off in traffic yesterday. Yes, I felt the flood of righteous anger, but I remembered leeway, and had some compassion for his hurry.

This week, with all its changes, was so peaceful that I’m wondering if leeway should be a permanent mantra. Maybe I’m always harder on people, including myself, than is necessary or helpful. Maybe I’d be happier with lower expectations and greater acceptance of shortcomings. Hm. Maybe I’ll extend it another week and see how it goes.

Where do you fall on the leeway scale? Do you give too little or too much?

10 Sweetest Things - 13 Months

Daniel's first carousel ride

The struggle and stress of motherhood is tempered by so much sweetness. These are some of my favorite things about Daniel at 13 months.

1. He took his first steps, all casual like, making me suspect he's been walking for months behind our backs.

2. Every morning, his first word when he sees me in the morning is “Nalu" (our dog's name.)

3. He says "Hi!" and "Bye bye" to everyone who passes him.

4. He makes the signs for "more" "all done" and "please."

5. He speaks with exaggerated mouth movement and enunciation. When he says "cracker" it looks like a puppet's mouth opening and closing.

6. He snaps his fingers while clicking with his tongue – as if he’s fooling anyone.

7. He reaches his arms up to signal he wants a hug. 

8. He laughs with delight as Nalu wrestles with his stuffed animals.

9. He sings "Row row row your boat."

10. He giggles and yells with equal enthusiasm. 

Daniel Has an Imperfect Mother

I’ve been cranky recently. Call it bitchy, call it a short fuse, whatever it is, Daniel has seen and felt it. It’s not about him. He’s being his lovely one-year-old self: mostly delightful, sometimes frustrating. But my moodiness felt bad enough that I took myself back to the Postpartum Stress Center today, to talk to Marcie, the counselor who helped me out of my depression six months back.

I vented it all. Everything I’ve been angry about lately, starting close to home, ending with the Catholic Church, with many things in between. After I was done, Marcie observed that I seemed “loaded for bear.” I had to agree. She added that when I don’t make time for myself, I get cranky. I nodded. She reminded me it was my responsibility to carve out alone time to write, to renew, to refresh. This rang some bells. “You ignore this at your peril,” she said.

I know everything she said to be true. We have covered this ground before. But the sneaky belief that it's selfish to need alone time had crept back in and taken over. My work for the moment is to accept the following as true: Whether I like it or not, I need alone time to be healthy. In its absence, I get grumpy, and grumpy can slide into depression. I wish I could handle everything with aplomb and grace, but I can't. Based on past experience, I show a lot more of both if I'm regularly refreshing myself with time alone to write, to dream, to play.

I’m sorry, Daniel, that you have a mom who gets depressed. I’m sorry you have a mom who needs breaks from you. I wish I could protect you from all pain, but I can't. I hope that by taking care of myself, I will set an example for you, one that will help you to care for yourself one day. You are my sunshine, my delight, the heart of my heart. I hope you always know and believe that.

Practicing Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” Mary McLeod Bethune

Tuesday morning, I heard a talk about forgiveness. The speaker shared some helpful ideas, and read the above quote. I sat there thinking, “I’m really not angry with anyone right now.” Then Carl came home from Sweden.

After a whirlwind long weekend in Europe, Carl was understandably tired. We disagreed about something, he got angry, I got angrier. So much for absence making the heart grow fonder.

Luckily, I knew enough to not continue the fight that night. I even (miraculously) controlled my urge to talk shit about him with my girlfriends. Somehow, I managed to do things that helped: I focused on work, I practiced yoga, I meditated, I carved out writing time. I did talk about it, but only with two friends who think highly of Carl, not the people who would get on my self-righteous express.

After some time and space to cool down, I realized my part of the problem: while Carl had been away, I had done too much. I had gone to the shore and back, I had hosted a birthday party for myself, a Father’s Day dinner, and prepared for Daniel’s birthday party. Also I had worked, done all the usual household stuff, and cared for a baby who cut four teeth and had a horrific rash. By the time Carl returned, I was a firecracker; he just lit the fuse.

It’s annoying to realize my part of things. If I blame everything on Carl, I can just feel sorry for myself, play that comfortable victim role. But that's not really what I really want. When I see my part, I have choices about my behavior. In this case, once I realized how exhausted I was and why, I let myself off the hook a little. I vowed to refill my internal well, by resting, eating well, nurturing myself. I forgave myself for falling into my old habit of overextending, and promised to do less next time I’m on my own with Daniel for a few days.

As for my husband, he, like all of us, is entitled to have a bad day. My job is to take care of myself well enough that other people’s bad moods slide over me. This actually works. If you haven’t tried it, I can’t recommend it highly enough.

10 Sweetest Things - 11 Months

Daniel turns 11 months old today. This has been simultaneously the best and hardest 11 months of my life. One of the greatest gifts of motherhood is that I really appreciate small things now. On Mother's Day, I had a glass of champagne and a plate of mussels with a dear friend, sitting by an open window, feeling the Spring breeze, and it was heavenly. She said to me, "Remember when this was normal? Did we appreciate it then?" I don't know that you can appreciate an afternoon glass of champagne when it's normal. But now that alone time with my besties is a treat, I treasure it.

Similarly, living with an infant grounds me in the moment in a way nothing ever has before. So many times a day I find myself trying to soak up and absorb the sweetness of a given moment, not to hold onto it so much as to enjoy it while it's happening. Below are a list of recent sweet things. I hope you're enjoying the sweetness of your life today.

1.      When I come home from work, Daniel scoots as fast as he can toward the door, with a huge grin and the happiest noises I’ve ever heard a human make.

2.      When he’s tired, he’ll rest his head on my chest as I rock him.

3.      He sleeps through the night, and naps like a champ (most days).

4.      He caws like a crow, he quacks like a duck, and makes a cara fea (ugly face) on demand.

5.      When I’m out of sight, I’ll hear him coming down the hall, getting more excited as he gets close, then squeal with delight when he finds me.

6.      When Carl brought him his favorite blankie (knitted by Grandma) the other day, he smiled, kicked his legs and wiggled in joy. 

7.      He’s a good mimic. Latest word – elevator.

8.      He buries his face in anyone or anything he loves.

9.      He hugs my legs from behind when I’m at the kitchen counter.

10.  He kisses pictures of babies in books.

Motherhood, My Way

Daniel rocking a Peruvian alpaca sweater

Something I’ve found hard as a mom is responding to other people’s expectations of what I should be doing. (Or what I think other people think I should be doing.) The most innocent question, like “what are you doing for Daniel’s first Easter?” can induce rage, defensiveness, derision. “Uh, he has no concept what Easter is, so nothing,” is what I want to say. I felt resentful about what everyone seemed to think I should do for his first Christmas, so you can imagine how I feel with his first birthday approaching.

I know moms who have formal pictures taken for every holiday – even St. Patrick’s and Valentine’s Day. I know moms who knitted stockings for baby’s first Christmas. I know moms who are planning elaborate first birthday parties. Because I have a tendency to compare myself to others, when I hear this I ask myself, why aren’t you doing that?

But recently a new thought occurred to me: maybe those moms do those things because they enjoy it, not because they’re caving to social pressure. I really enjoy dressing up. I’ve had people ask me, snottily, why I was wearing pearls on a Tuesday afternoon. The answer is, I just like to. It makes me happy. Similarly, I love to put my little man in cute outfits. I suspect very soon he’ll start having opinions about what he wears, so I’m taking advantage of this time to dress him the way I want to. Not to impress anyone. Not because formal wear is important for babies – just because it makes me smile.

So here’s my thought for Mother’s Day: motherhood has plenty of drudgery. Let’s all make a pact to not make it harder for ourselves than it has to be. I’m going to do mom things that bring me joy, and leave the photo shoots, crafts and parties for the Martha Stewart types. Happier mom means happier Daniel. So it will be pizza and cake for his first birthday, with whoever can show up on a Tuesday night. Maybe I'll wear pearls.